Friday 13 April 2012

Article 7: Diaries of a Haus Frau – What an imagination.

It’s one of those times of the year a lot of parents dread. School holidays. And for Haus Frau’s like myself, it’s a time we’re lumbered with our demonic hordes at home for a couple of weeks. Yes there will be occasional trips and outings, but our budget (and my energy levels and patience) don’t stretch far enough to go do “interesting” things every day.
And with Easter holidays, it’s always such a terrible time. The holidays themselves start by people encouraging us to fill the hordes with buns and chocolate, give everyone a few days off to watch their reaction and then those lucky enough to have jobs AWAY from the hordes get to toddle back off to them while we Haus Frau deal with the aftermath. The hordes themselves enjoy being stirred up in all the excitement and sugar and then turn to we poor carers, once the long weekend is over, and ask if they can do it all again. While Haus Frau types like myself instead just want to use these glorious last sunny warm days of the season to catch up on the washing, air the house and find the floor of the Hordes bedroom and play area.

After a harrowing day of trying to help them clean their play area, and having to deal with the screams, tears and tantrums that tend to drive me on to the couch under a blanket with some chocolate, today I gave in. I did the usual feeding and dressing of the Hordes ceremony (which can be more of an ordeal within itself). Then instead of getting back into the fray as to who should clean up what before I binned it, I set my demonic hordes free! Yes, bikes and scooters were extracted from the shed, hats were placed on Horde heads and they were ejected from the house (nothing forceful or with a boot on, honest). Now, usually they’re happy for about 5 minutes, before the glamour of ‘Being Outside’ wears off. Today I was happily surprised that this didn’t happen. Instead, thanks to our trip to the SA Museum a couple of days ago (and the Museum’s dinosaur show) the following occurred…

Eldest horde, Miss 7, scooted about a bit before declaring to her siblings (and sadly the entire neighbourhood as she has no volume control) that they were all to travel back in time from April 13th, 2012 to April 13th, the Jurassic period. My other 2 hordes mounted either bike or scooter too and the journey was off. I was shouted instructions as to where they were headed on this lovely sunny autumn’s day, to which I asked if they were going to be long and needed a packed lunch. The reply from middle horde (little Miss nearly 5) being that they would make a special trip back to see me at lunch as dinosaurs weren’t allowed to eat sandwiches. The tone used upon me suggested this was something any sensible and sane mummy should know.

From my indoor station of Haus Frauing central (better known as folding clean clothes at the ironing board) I heard only snippets of the wondrous adventures that took place. Having had dabbled in a little dinosaur studies myself, I can’t quite remember if the dinosaurs encountered were all technically FROM the Jurassic period, but no one got eaten all the same. Scooters and bikes are apparently faster than T Rex’s, Allosaurus AND Velociraptors though the Stegosaurus, baby Minmi, Diplodocus and Leaellynasaura were all able to keep up with the hordes. I suspect a few of them got to dink a ride though.

Now I feel the need to mention here that my demonic hordes have never seen any of the “Jurassic Park” films. Their dinosaur knowledge stems from the SA Museum, their stacks of dino books and their fact come fiction DVDs “Walking with Dinosaurs”, various versions of “Land Before time” and that show tune loving “We’re Back”. Yes, nice and factually balanced, not!

My observation of their adventure was cut short as my Haus Frauing took me to other areas of the house. It was only when I noticed the silence seeping in from outside that my attention and parenting instincts brought me back into their play. Upon investigation, I found then in a muddy puddle of suspicious origins (as in, had they created it with their water bottles, or was it a crack in our drains). I am unaware even now as to whether the mud was Jurassic or current day, but either way it meant a daytime bath for all parties involved.

And can I just say, for a bath that usually has a hard enough time containing all 3 hordes, water, soap and bubbles, I was indeed amazed at exactly how many of the said dinosaurs fitted in too for a wash. All I know is that at one point the Velociraptor got soap in its eyes and had to be rescued by the middle horde.

While the hordes and dinos bathed, I got clothes and towels and such ready. It gave them time to soak the bath mats and coat the walls in bubbles while discussing lunch. The hordes were having sandwiches while they were making their guests potato cheesecakes. No, not something I have made, as I know how to cook. Honest. Some of these potato cheesecakes were to be covered in cycads and palms for the herbivores, while prehistoric reptiles of the carnivorous leaning Had pepperoni ones, as it’s the only thing they eat. Really? Anyone able to show me the scientific journal that comes from? There was also cycad salad, sauropod sushi (I believe it was sushi made FOR sauropods, not FROM them) and palm tree pancakes. I know I enjoy collecting rare cookbooks, but none of mine cover such culinary catastrophes. Nor do I have an inclination to add them.

Bath done and all parties dried dressed (those who weren’t comfortable in just scales and feathers) and silently eating, all I can say is WHAT an imagination. All inspired by a 45 minute show at their home away from home. Hmmm, maybe the entry fee wasn’t so steep after all.

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Article 6: Diaries of a Haus Frau – A Hordes day out.

Just in case I’ve not covered this in a previous blog post, I call my children “My demonic Hordes”. To me, it’s no less sarcastic and occasionally untrue as calling them “My darling little angels”. Well, to be honest, far less sarcastic and can be far more truthful. Plus, it can bring a smile to the face of some poor unsuspecting soul caught in their rampaging.
Taking my hordes out can be a trial or it can be a blessing. Quite often both, as the wind changes, depending on their mood, sugar levels and bright shiny things to distract them.

All the same, one of the most regular days out for them is a trip to the Museum and Art Gallery. In fact, when asked what they would like as a special treat or reward, it takes but a few seconds for “Go to the museum!” to be bellowed at me from close distance.

And so we go, honestly sometimes as frequently as once a month, to the South Australian Museum. The MUST SEE items will always be the Egyptian room for my little Miss nearly 5 budding archaeologist, the natural world on the 2nd floor (as said child was going to be an entomologist but that appears to have been thwarted when it didn’t include snakes), the elasmosaurus and its eternal chase of the little squid for Miss 7 and the lift shaft wonderfully transformed to capture the imagination as well as the giant pink squid for little Master nearly 3.

Today was one of those days I decided to wrangle my hordes into the car and get us down from the hills to the city in time to beat the 9:30am early bird cut off parking times. If that wasn’t enough of an ordeal, there was then the wait outside for the museum to open; with all the other overly eager, loud and full of beans children of other families who felt it a great idea to go. Thankfully I had family with me and it worked out that we were allocated a Horde each while we waited. And, while other’s allowed their children to run through the gardens, throw sticks and rocks at each other and in general make my hordes all appear more angelic, mine sat patiently on the bench and waited. How did I manage it? Easy, get the kids to count how many pigeons are sitting on the outside of the museum. Go on, try it. I kid you not it is an amazingly good way to calm them. Except when said pigeons decide to leave or move about on the walls and they have to start again. Oh, what a shame.

I feel today’s swarm of children on the museum lawns (I honestly don’t know of a better collective noun to describe them) was due to the school holiday’s AND the “Sea the Shore: A Prehistoric encounter” taking place. Still, once inside, the museum is usually large enough to absorb us all.

Unsurprisingly, the morning show of “Sea to Shore” sold out before we got tickets, but that was fine as it meant my demonic hordes had a chance to work off their pent up energy by visiting all their favourite places. Little Miss nearly 5 took my brother on a tour of the Egyptian room, a place she is very well conversant with. Though, I still hold my ground and call them Ushabti, not Shebti as I take my dialect from a different dynasty than the one used in most of that room. No, no idea at all why one of my children would be interested in ancient Egypt.

Youngest horde (Mr almost 3) grew tired and threw a tantrum every time he was removed from the top of the lift shaft where he was dancing on the Perspex on top of the giant pink squid and singing “down down down”. So he, and my mother, were able to make an excuse and head home shortly after that.

A quick cookie break from the cafĂ© and it was time to line up for the “Sea to Shore” show. Call me overly critical for a person who didn’t have to pay (as it was a gift from my brother) but I did feel the prices were a tad steep. But still, the hordes and other children had a great time. Mats set up on the floor for them, chairs up the back for the parents to escape to. What could be better?

My darling girl hordes were, of course, right up the front. And middle horde (Miss nearly 5) was of course heckling as soon as the presenter strolled out and tried to start the show. I really do feel that was why she was one of his first “special helpers”. It worked too until, even from my distant spot, you could tell she realised they weren’t real baby Minmi dinosaurs but plastic puppets. Thankfully she took it better than expected, no shouting or accusing of trickery. No, her face may have fell and the disappointment was apparent to all, but she left the front politely and went back to heckling in the front row.

Eldest horde, she got to pat a Minmi as they toured the front, but her proudest moment to me was when she stood her ground over the carnivore that came out next. Sadly, I am a terrible person and don’t remember the name of said carnivore. I also don’t want to ruin the show for others, so will just say that said proudest moment was when, while other children were running in terror screaming for their parents, my Miss 7 stood her ground, followed instructions and assumed the “duck and cover” stance with hands crossed over her head.  Awww, what a Kodak moment.

After it ended, show was classified as “Awesome”, which appears to be the modern stamp of approval, and was loudly shouted about to anyone who would listen. And most of those unfortunate enough to find them in my hordes 4 metre radius of personal space.

A brief run through the education room of the museum (the bit where they still have the bees and keep live creepy crawlies) and a lucky dip of fossils and minerals and off we went. Lunch stop at an eatery in the mall and horde wrangling back to the car and home again.

Unsurprisingly I had very tired, grumpy and over exhausted hordes by the end of the day, but all in all it had been a good day out with my hordes. It’s really all a mother can ask for.