Article 7: Diaries of a Haus Frau – What an imagination.

It’s one of those times of the year a lot of parents dread. School holidays. And for Haus Frau’s like myself, it’s a time we’re lumbered with our demonic hordes at home for a couple of weeks. Yes there will be occasional trips and outings, but our budget (and my energy levels and patience) don’t stretch far enough to go do “interesting” things every day.

And with Easter holidays, it’s always such a terrible time. The holidays themselves start by people encouraging us to fill the hordes with buns and chocolate, give everyone a few days off to watch their reaction and then those lucky enough to have jobs AWAY from the hordes get to toddle back off to them while we Haus Frau deal with the aftermath. The hordes themselves enjoy being stirred up in all the excitement and sugar and then turn to we poor carers, once the long weekend is over, and ask if they can do it all again. While Haus Frau types like myself instead just want to use these glorious last sunny warm days of the season to catch up on the washing, air the house and find the floor of the Hordes bedroom and play area.

After a harrowing day of trying to help them clean their play area, and having to deal with the screams, tears and tantrums that tend to drive me on to the couch under a blanket with some chocolate, today I gave in. I did the usual feeding and dressing of the Hordes ceremony (which can be more of an ordeal within itself). Then instead of getting back into the fray as to who should clean up what before I binned it, I set my demonic hordes free! Yes, bikes and scooters were extracted from the shed, hats were placed on Horde heads and they were ejected from the house (nothing forceful or with a boot on, honest). Now, usually they’re happy for about 5 minutes, before the glamour of ‘Being Outside’ wears off. Today I was happily surprised that this didn’t happen. Instead, thanks to our trip to the SA Museum a couple of days ago (and the Museum’s dinosaur show) the following occurred…

Eldest horde, Miss 7, scooted about a bit before declaring to her siblings (and sadly the entire neighbourhood as she has no volume control) that they were all to travel back in time from April 13^th, 2012 to April 13^th, the Jurassic period. My other 2 hordes mounted either bike or scooter too and the journey was off. I was shouted instructions as to where they were headed on this lovely sunny autumn’s day, to which I asked if they were going to be long and needed a packed lunch. The reply from middle horde (little Miss nearly 5) being that they would make a special trip back to see me at lunch as dinosaurs weren’t allowed to eat sandwiches. The tone used upon me suggested this was something any sensible and sane mummy should know.

From my indoor station of Haus Frauing central (better known as folding clean clothes at the ironing board) I heard only snippets of the wondrous adventures that took place. Having had dabbled in a little dinosaur studies myself, I can’t quite remember if the dinosaurs encountered were all technically FROM the Jurassic period, but no one got eaten all the same. Scooters and bikes are apparently faster than T Rex’s, Allosaurus AND Velociraptors though the Stegosaurus, baby Minmi, Diplodocus and Leaellynasaura were all able to keep up with the hordes. I suspect a few of them got to dink a ride though.

Now I feel the need to mention here that my demonic hordes have never seen any of the “Jurassic Park” films. Their dinosaur knowledge stems from the SA Museum, their stacks of dino books and their fact come fiction DVDs “Walking with Dinosaurs”, various versions of “Land Before time” and that show tune loving “We’re Back”. Yes, nice and factually balanced, not!

My observation of their adventure was cut short as my Haus Frauing took me to other areas of the house. It was only when I noticed the silence seeping in from outside that my attention and parenting instincts brought me back into their play. Upon investigation, I found then in a muddy puddle of suspicious origins (as in, had they created it with their water bottles, or was it a crack in our drains). I am unaware even now as to whether the mud was Jurassic or current day, but either way it meant a daytime bath for all parties involved.

And can I just say, for a bath that usually has a hard enough time containing all 3 hordes, water, soap and bubbles, I was indeed amazed at exactly how many of the said dinosaurs fitted in too for a wash. All I know is that at one point the Velociraptor got soap in its eyes and had to be rescued by the middle horde.

While the hordes and dinos bathed, I got clothes and towels and such ready. It gave them time to soak the bath mats and coat the walls in bubbles while discussing lunch. The hordes were having sandwiches while they were making their guests potato cheesecakes. No, not something I have made, as I know how to cook. Honest. Some of these potato cheesecakes were to be covered in cycads and palms for the herbivores, while prehistoric reptiles of the carnivorous leaning Had pepperoni ones, as it’s the only thing they eat. Really? Anyone able to show me the scientific journal that comes from? There was also cycad salad, sauropod sushi (I believe it was sushi made FOR sauropods, not FROM them) and palm tree pancakes. I know I enjoy collecting rare cookbooks, but none of mine cover such culinary catastrophes. Nor do I have an inclination to add them.

Bath done and all parties dried dressed (those who weren’t comfortable in just scales and feathers) and silently eating, all I can say is WHAT an imagination. All inspired by a 45 minute show at their home away from home. Hmmm, maybe the entry fee wasn’t so steep after all.